What they don’t tell you…

December 1, 2006 in Washington

Of the many days I spent working in the Pentagon, one thing has always bothered me to no end -Why the hell do people tour that building?  Tourists by the dozens draped in overpriced gifts purchased from the Pentagon gift shop stomp through drab corridors to look at useless artifacts from the 50’s and 60’s.  They look at oil paintings of high ranking paper pushers who strategized previous wars.  They pass several of the 280 bathrooms on site, bathrooms that they are not allowed to use.

~And to your left, the Pentagon Library.  They have books there.  And thank you for your 15 dollars.~ Boring.

Fact: the Pentagon was built in a mere 16 months and houses 17 ½ miles of corridors, all of which I got to know intimately.

I imagine people come to this building because of what it represents and I am sure that they leave disappointed.  Unless you had some knowledge of the information flowing through the building, this tour is useless.  Unless I was performing theater that day (see previous post).

Fact: the first Secretary of Defense was James Forrestal.  

The tour guides were Air Force personnel who stood like cardboard cut-outs in neatly pressed uniforms, and their shoes clicked as they strutted in front of gawking tourists jonzing for a Kevin Costner ~No Way Out~ moment.  They lead the charge through Pentagon corridors barking out boring little tidbits that you will most likely forget the second you turn a corner.                    

Fact: the gross square footage of the building rings in at 6,500,000.

These are facts that you could easily pull from a fact book or the internet, but what they won’t tell you is that entire building could be built in 16 months because they used the cheapest materials imaginable.  And of those cheap materials, they used something called Asbestos. The building was covered in it.  It was in the plaster, the roofing tar, the ceiling tiles, paneling and it even covered the pipes.  They were insuring that the place didn’t catch fire as asbestos is great fire retardant.  They also insured that many people would get cancer from working in this building.

During my tenure in this building I knew, no less than, 30 people who ended up with some form of cancer.  And that number would be significantly higher if I counted the people I heard about having cancer.

Fact they won’t tell you: The first Secretary of Defense went insane and jumped out of the 16th floor window at Bethesda Naval Hospital with a bathrobe sash tied around his neck.

And while you are walking through this massive building thinking about the air you are breathing and wondering what kind of cancer is growing in your body, a giant rat as big as a small dog runs across your feet.  Or a giant cockroach, minding his own business, walks down the hallway beside you. You hesitate to kill these creatures because they are so damn big, beating it over the head with a shoe is not going to do the job.  Most people wouldn’t kill a dog because it’s loose, and this is the way you feel when you see one of these enormous creatures.

Fact they won’t tell you: A prostitution ring was broken up in the mid 80’s. The secretary’s pool hired beautiful women who could not type, but were experts in dick-tation.

Every department was given a “company credit card” which could be used at any one of the many Pentagon Supply Stores.  When the new Defense Budget was announced, and the money officially up for grabs, you would see long lines of employees waiting to buy leather briefcases, oak picture frames, batteries of all sizes, computer equipment and anything else they could get their hands on.  And most of the time you would see these people at the end of the day carting this stuff to their cars.  This is where your tax paying dollars go.

Fact they won’t tell you: The frequency of bombs imploded or disarmed by Pentagon security is so high, the DOD created on site facilities to combat the epidemic.

It’s not uncommon to see “celebrities” from different walks of fame.  One day, while on my way to the concourse for some lunch, I saw Janet Jackson.  Another day, I saw Tom Petty.  I met Muhammad Ali, and got an autograph.  Gene Hackman.  Martha Stewart.  There were Senators, congressman and former Presidents.  Everyday I saw someone new, someone famous and I wonder if they had to pay 15 bucks?

Probably not.

Fact they won’t tell you:  The Pentagon Tour is a ripoff.

                                                                                      …up next, Wolf Blitzer chased me