Some years back, while I was serving in the U.S. Navy, I had a cushy little job at one of the biggest and most powerful buildings in the world. It was shaped like a Pentagon.
On one unusually mild afternoon in February I was tasked to take some documents over to Capital Hill for some signatures. To entertain myself on the shuttle ride over, I stuck 3 pieces of bubble gum in my mouth and admired the architecture of the Washington skyline through exploding pink bubbles.
For those that are not aware, chewing gum in a military uniform is a no-no. And because I am a gum junky I had my share of ass-reamings from senior officers who reminded me of this fact.
After I finished my business, I was standing on the street corner waiting for the shuttle to reappear, still chomping on my gum. Realizing that I was headed back to military central, I decided to dispose of it. With no trashcan in sight I launched the wad of gum from my mouth with a shot-putter’s might towards the gutter, but it fell short bouncing on the curb and back to the sidewalk.
No sooner than the gum came to rest, two gentleman appeared and checked their watches, no doubt in anticipation of the shuttle. One nearly stepped in my gum which by now had flattened and was in a mortal oozing spread due to a nearby steam grate that was emitting heat. Thoughts of going over and attempting to move it flashed in my mind.
Out of my peripheral, a black limousine comes to a stop in front of me, in front of my gum. The door opens and a rather large Ted 
Kennedy climbs out and steps right into the pink blob. He walks a few steps and starts dragging his foot. And then he pounds it on the pavement. Sticky pink strands of Bubblicious are trailing behind him.
Ted Kennedy drags the heel of his shoe over one of the steps of the building and blurts out in that thick New England accent that conjours an ~Ask not, what your country can do for you~ moment, “There’s gawd damn gum on the battom of my shooooe.”
I am not sure who he was talking to – he was alone.
He climbed the rest of the steps dragging his left foot and flailing his arms about in effort to keep his bloated body balanced.
Out of sight, I could still hear the faint sounds of Ted Kennedy, although unintelligible, he was clearly pissed and no doubt complaining to security about my gum on the bottom of his shoe.
After returning to the Pentagon shaped building, I sat at my desk sifting through phone messages. In a coworker’s cubicle I could hear a radio broadcasting G. Gordon Liddy who was talking about the Bill Clinton and health care. Just before G. Gordon went to commercial break he said, “A Happy Birthday to Ted Kennedy today…”
I wonder if the biographers who will write Ted Kennedy’s life story will mention this Bubblicious moment……..probably not. Which is why it is here.
…….Up next Pentagon Kabuki Theater
November 27, 2006 at 9:57 pm
LOL, I want to send this to Ted. Do you still write for the Dealer? We are big fans of Blaine Chowder, and your alter ego.
Keep on brother.
November 28, 2006 at 2:59 am
The Dealer has changed hands and I have never been invited back as a writer. But they still have my stories archived and you can check them out anytime you want.
Also, Rufus McSpilch and myself are collaborating on a self-published book that will include all my stories from the dealer as well as many other items of interest. At some point I will let you know when it is coming out. It won’t be until next year though.
Ciao